The one where I went to my first BAFTA LA event...

Job of the morning? Take Norton to the vet. Before going to work with the child – she’s beginning to like me. A bit. Not much though. I took her to the park. She played with other children. I got to sit and play with my blackberry. Result.

Five hours later, I’m off heading to my first BAFTA LA mixer. I’ve been accepted as ‘a newcomer’ to BAFTA LA. So… it’s off to Red Rock to meet the crew. I met my ‘mentor’ PH. He was lovely. Then he went home and I actually fell apart. I couldn’t socialise. I felt worthless. I’ve not written a script in three years. I’ve not written a book in four years. And I’m now a nanny. And I’m old. Everyone else there was all shiny and excited. Actors. Actors. And a few budding directors. And me. The nanny. I fell apart. I missed smoking. I stood on the balcony at Red Rock and burst into tears like a loser. I couldn’t chat.

It wasn't that anyone was unfriendly. It was me. Totally me. Raddled with insecurities. I've got nothing to offer right now. I'm not feeling shiny and fresh. I'm feeling tired and low. Really negative. Who'd want to meet that? I'm trying to fake it to make it. I'm failing. Deep breath...

I went inside and tried. I spoke to some people. Told them all about being shot. Then. That was it. I went back outside and hyperventilated. I have no idea what’s going on here. I’m usually so good at these types of events. I think it’s because I’m a nanny. Maybe. I feel like I’ve nothing to give to this party and watch as the others schmooze all the ‘right people’.

I go over to JV. I know her. And I decide to make my excuses to leave. I burst into tears again. OH THE SHAME. She very sweetly introduces me to some people but I can’t hack it. I run away. This really isn’t like me. Maybe taking a job as a nanny wasn’t such a good idea after all if my self worth is going to be this low. Plus… the kid hates me. What the fuck have I done?

I left the party, drove home and snuggled with the dogs. Eeek. The LA dream wasn’t realised today! Time to take stock of what's going on here and do something about it methinks as this crying creature is not where or what I want to be!