The one where I get stuck at CAA...

No Dublin for Mr X after all. Instead, he’s got a marketing meeting at the studio at 10.30am. He wants me to meet him there again to give him his shoes. Yes. His shoes. He had me take them off his hands to get them polished for the Daddy/Daughter dance in Malibu on Saturday.

My head was all over the place... I had an early walk up Runyon this morning (picture posted). I went over to the studio offices. No Mr X. Nothing. Weird. He's not picking up his phone either. Double weird. No reponse to an email either. Triple weird. I hope he's okay. He always answers something.

Meanwhile, his girlfriend is calling. "Where’s her package?" Fuck. Bloody Fedex. Turns out there was a mechanical fault with the plane. The package couldn’t arrive. I scream at them, fedex, that I’m going to lose my job if it doesn’t arrive by Saturday. They say they’ll do that. But now they’re saying it’s the wrong zipcode. I’d missed off a one. Nightmare. I’m in trouble now. And it's Fedex's fault. Not mine. Not mine at all. I want her to get her present. It's her birthday and Fedex have been horribly unhelpful. Aaaargh.

Anyway… I’m at the studio. Having parked on the street – I get in and… the two boys on reception couldn’t be more friendly. I’ve been accepted. Go me.

So. It’s straight into the conference room where JK – the film’s new line producer is waiting for Mr X to interview ADs. I put my brown bag on the table. The bag contains Mr X's shoes. Yes. The shoes. They are still with me. We chat. He’s lovely. I have to say. Really nice.

In walks the first candidate. Initial impression. Nope. But what do I know?

Anyway, Mr X is messaging me. Finally. He's okay. Phew. But... he's at CAA. JK is looking at me - I can see it in the eyes. "What the fuck is going on?". Mr X is meant to be there. With JK. And, right now, I'm in the room with the ADs instead. Aaaargh. This is fucked up.

And then comes the question. “Where’s Mr X? Will be here soon?” Now. What they don’t know is that there's something going on behind the scenes and Mr X is dealing with it. He's at CAA to have a shakedown. But I can't tell JK that. I can't tell anyone that. Hmmm. This is tricky. Instead, I try and keep to the truth:

"I'm terribly sorry. But... Mr X's locked in another meeting that's run on."

Despite this, the potential AD has not left the room. He's still talking. And the second guy's turned up for his interview. I need AD1 out so I can tell JK what's going on. Thankfully, the studio exec on the film turns up to explain the situation to everyone. It’s now 2.15pm and AD1 still isn’t leaving the room. C'mon. Out out out. We've got things to do. AD2 needs to come in. Finally AD1 leaves and we can get the next one in.

Time for damage limitation however and I’m on my blackberry calling AD agents and the other potential candidates - I'm trying to go ‘abort… abort’. Mr X not being here means coming in for an interview would be a waste of time. Thing is, one of them is nearly at the studio – he just drove in from miles away. Ooops. Still, I managed to reach them all – despite the fact that most of them were already waiting in the lobby. The film’s got a SAG waiver so I guess with the fear surrounding films at the moment, knowing that this one’s going to go ahead means that it’s a job and who doesn’t want a job right now?

I go back into the interview room and this… this is where it got interesting for me. JK’s only been on the film for four days – me? Four months. Time has really flown by. So… suddenly I’m part of the interview process. I’m trying hard to just look official. I manage to do a wicked doodle. And then, I get asked the question - “And what does Mr X think of xxxxxx.” I managed to bluff an answer. After all. I’m a professional. Before you know it, I’m sitting in with the candidates. I send J a message - she'd love this. She'd also know what to do. Still. I'm not doing a bad job. People are looking at me when they give their answers – what the fuck? I have no idea what’s going on. Damage limitation. that's all I'm thinking of right now.

My blackberry’s off again. It’s Mr X. He wants me to meet him with the shoes at CAA. Shitter. I look like crap. At least I’m in all black. No one ever looks truly dreadful in all black… but… it’s been raining. And I’ve been caught in it. I’m not looking my best. It has to be said. I decide to see through the interviews with JK. A chance to just blend in and become a part of the process. He’s also the one hiring and firing at the moment. I ask him if he can find out if I’ve got a job – or not. Am I Pittsburgh bound…? Who the fuck knows right now. He appreciated that I might want to know so he said he’d look into it. Right now, all I need to do is my job and do it to the best of my ability… that’s all I can do.

I’m off to CAA. The famous CAA. I’m approaching CAA. Fuck me it’s BIG.

I park up at the shopping centre and arrive at the agency (still with the shoes in a brown paper bag) and ask for Mr X’s agent's office. I have to wait in the lobby. Everyone there looks important. They’re all waiting… And… eventually… down comes R. I finally get to meet Mr X’s agents's asst. Or… xxxxxxxxxasst@caa.com. She’s never had a name. Just that. We go up to the office. It’s a corner office. Everyone’s very busy. Very groomed. I’m ushered in and there’s Mr X.

He’s still on the phone. I give him the shoes. He nods. He’s still on the phone to the studio. He’s been on with them for about three hours now. I’m told to sit. And wait. And I get to meet The agent. But he’s on the phone. Everyone’s very busy. Mr X gets up. “I’m going to xxxx’s office.” And he leaves me there. Alone. I feel like a twat. A twat with a pair of polished black shoes. It’s now that I see the agency system at work.

“Get me xxxxxx [important big Hollywood name] on one.” – agent

“he’s in casting.” – agent assist

“get him” – agent

There’s a pause.

We’re emailing while the agent is talking to his assistant.

“Shit. It’s non-stop isn’t it,” I write to the assistant.

“Yep. I’m sure it’s the same with you,” replies assistant.

I have no idea what to write now. She's busy. So busy. So I stop writing. He looks like he might throw a hissy fit. I think she's joking.

Meawhile the 'banter' in the office is still going:

“Get me xxxx xxxx’s [a-list actor] number,” Agent.

“xxxxxx [big name] on one,” Assistant.

“I’m too busy. Get me xxxxxxx. I’m never going to get through this fucking list tonight,” Agent
.
“xxxxxx [bigger name] on one,” Assistant.

“Where’s Xxxxxx’s [A-list actor] number? Someone’s got it. Ask around. Put it out there….” Agent

And then he picks up the phone.

“Hey,” he says to me as I’m trying to sink into the chair opposite him as I wait for Mr X. Trying to be part of the furniture. I'm just sitting in his office. Trying to blend.

“Yeah…” I says nonchalantly.

“You want some candy?” Agent.

Huh? The man’s offering me candy. I don’t eat sugar. But I don’t want to turn down his candy. I won’t have the candy. But I like candy. I want the candy. This could be a moment to bond. I’ll take the candy. Yes. Maybe this is our moment.

“It’s the best you’ve ever had,” agent.

I slope up to his desk. What is this? What is going on? Are we friends now?

“Go on. Have both. Take it. Take it,” Agent says.

He is the typical agent. You want him in your court. He’s better than Ari Gold in Entourage because he’s real. He’s a proper proper agent. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I’m at the desk noshing on his candy. I can’t stop now. I put it down. He’s telling me to take it. I tell him to stop pushing his candy on me. He needs some. I tell him to take his candy. This is getting weird now. I’m in an office discussing candy and sugar while Mr X is fighting for his film in another room.

A man comes into the room. He introduces himself. I just tell him I’m Noam. He thinks I’m important and then the agent tells him I’m Mr X’s assistant. I don’t know who he is. I email the assistant to try and find out who he is. Anyway, we start discussing Gerry Butler’s shagability. I don’t know if this is appropriate or not as I don’t know who he is. Anyway. We have some fun. I like him. He’s funny. I don’t know if he’s important or not. All I know is that we’ve delayed his appointment with the agent for three hours as Mr X’s been holed up at CAA.

Mr X’s back. He’s had enough – he wants to leave. His agent wants answers. Mr X’s spent though so we leave. As we go some wannabe shark of an agent comes over. He’s all over Mr X. Tedious. I’m still trotting behind. Eventually we leave. I’m out of CAA. Mr X has managed to get someone to look after his car right outside the door. It's pouring. Mr X drives me to my car. He wishes me a nice weekend – he’s off to spend time with his daughter and I’m off to get ready for the Grammy party I’m going to tonight at the Paramount lot.

9pm. I’m dressed. I’m ready. I’m knackered and I’m going to go to a party on my own. Then.. Tamara rings. A friend’s in town and they’re meeting up with A.N. Other UK actor at Firefly for a night out. Oh well. I wish I could go but…

I’m driving in the rain. It’s kinda scary and then I get the call from Mr X. It’s 9.30pm. He’s had an accident on the PCH. A boulder hit his car and it spun. He's okay, thankfully, but the car is not. He wants me to drive to Zuma tomorrow for 10am to take him to his hire car. Oh poo. That means an early night tonight rather than enjoy the Grammy party. I suck at this job. I'm thinking about me. I don't want to drive 50 miles to his place to drive him five miles up the road. Oh well. I have to do this. And hire his car. And... do it with a smile.

I arrive at the Paramount lot. I’m on my own at a party. It’s kind of weird. I’m dressed up. For me. A dress. Make up. Fresh hair. And I’m emailing xxxxx from the studio that invited me. She’s by the cheese. I’m by the cheese. Wrong cheese. There are two cheese tables. I’m at the better one. She’s English and friendly. So we hang out. Before you know it I bump into someone I know. JVDF. A friend of E’s. He’s with someone who worked at Dazed in London. So she knows some of my former Time Out and City friends. Small world… small world. And I don’t look like a loser. See? I know people.

By midnight, however… I’m bored. I don’t know enough people to make this worthwhile really. I’m tired and bored. I got kudos points for being spotted saying hello to Adam (aka DJ AM). I didn’t realise he was DJ AM. I don’t know who that is but I know that he’s Adam. Nice guy. He knows Nico. Of course. Who doesn't?

I leave. It’s 12.15am. And who’s arriving? Nico. He’s greeting everyone. Like a king among minions. I'm done. I’m off. That’s it. And I’ve got to drive to Malibu in the morning.

2am. I’m online. I’m looking at local car hire places in Malibu. I’m compiling a list. A long list. Which I’m emailing to Mr X: “Please look at his before I arrive tomorrow so I can book it while driving over to yours in the morning.”

I've got to get up in six hours. Ew. This is not going to be pretty.

The one where I have to get the vitamins...

9am. Moorpark. I can’t really concentrate. I’m still tired and the shit’s hitting the fan with Mr X. There's an issue. Something's not been signed off. It's become a drama and it's affecting Mr X, me, well everyone really. No one's happy. Thankfully it's not my fault but it means all the small stuff can't fall apart. If it does - it's a disaster... DISASTER.

Anyway. I have to drive 20 miles to pick up some posters from the Production office. J’s being really intense. "So.. you’ve got til XXXX. Okay? And then the job's over. Got that. Over." Yes. I've got that. Even though Mr X hasn't told me that he's going to Pittsburgh - no one has apart from J - I know that I'm about to be fired. That's the message. "Mr X moves to Pittsburgh in a few months. Then you’ll lose your job." That's kind of scary. I'm about to lose my job but no one's told me. I explain I find her enthusiasm for the project really intimidating (but without saying intimidating) because I don’t even know if I’m being involved after the next month or so or if I care. I don’t want to care, or get into it, because I may be out so what's the point? But… right now. I don’t know what I want. Do I really want to move to Pittsburgh for three months? Four months? My heart is here. It really is. Anyway. I leave. I can't take it any more. I need a visit to the Java Detour.

Shit. I had to race to Malibu. Race. And… on the way. The phone was going. Mr X. I had to go to the studio to get a Rocky DVD, so I called ahead to get Mr X’s lunch from Spruzzo in Zuma, then I phoned the video store at Heathercliff to get them to put aside Rambo (for work not pleasure reasons I hasten to add). It's all go.

Strange note at the Pavillion at Heathercliff: "Paparazzi fuck off". Basically. But not quite that blunt. However. I saw no one famous. No one at all. Then… it’s off to Spruzzo to get the lunch. It’s ready. Pricey for a tuna salad and a sandwich but there we go. It’s still not stopping as now… it’s off to the dry cleaners. Now this. This is proper assistant work. The running. The journey up the path to the house was a disaster. Struggling under ten items of clothing, a laptop, the necklaces I’d picked up the day before, the lunch and a myriad of other random things for Mr X I tottered up the path.

Mr X was home, he was sitting with his brilliant DP as they went through the script. Kind of fascinating but I couldn't really concentrate as I was preparing the lunch… well. I put it on a plate and sat there, quietly, checking my emails while they talked about the project. It was like they were storyboarding each scene. I didn’t know that happened. Very intense stuff. I checked my emails, printed off some job applications and poof – was out the door. Or so I thought. No. There was still more to do.

I had to get Mr X’s vitamins. I took a picture of the bottles I needed and wrote down the names and brands of the five bottles I had to deal with. It was non-stop. At the vitamin barn the bill came to $180 or so. Mr X’s card (or my version of it) was declined. And declined. And declined. This happened before. I was buying his wine and it got declined and I’ve got nothing in the bank so can’t pay for this at all. I phone the credit card company - it was a mistake. I'm sorted out. I get back to the house. Apparently I didn't get all the vitamins. Mr X wasn't not happy. But I did. I did. I took a picture. He'd forgotten to get out one of the bottles. However, despite the photographic evidence, which I didn't show, remember the boss is always right and I was at fault. I bit the bullet, said nothing, and went back to the store.

Course they didn't have this particular brand at the store. So... it was another couple of miles to the Pacific Greens Store on the PCH to get this bottle of gloop. Great. Thankfully my mileage is getting reimbursed by the studio and, hell, there are worse places to be driving around. The PCH is a pleasure. Not, however, when you hit traffic, but, at least there's an ocean to gaze at.

Everything goes right by the time it’s the evening. I joined a bunch of English girls to play Netball. Netball. It’s been nearly 20 years since I managed to pivot and play. It was exhausting but I loved it. Loved it. The basketball players on the other court were confused. And, for a while, we had an audience but it was nice to do something active that I enjoyed. I even managed to play goal shooter for the second half (first half wing attack) and scored some goals. Obviously I want to play again. Now. Right this minute. But I’m going to have to wait two weeks. Still. At least I’ve tried to do something active.

Throughout the game though I could hear my crackberry. It’s Mr X. He might have to go to London tomorrow or Dublin. But Europe to sort out the issue that was going wrong… It’s all falling apart. The film’s all falling apart – everything. He had to cancel the dinner I’d set up with a composer. I don’t know what Mr X’s doing but I know he’s online and I know he’s stressing out. I need to sleep. We've got a lot to sort out in the morning. The buzzing has stopped. I think even Mr X needs a break.

Following day
I’m due at studio at 10.30 after Mr X’s marketing meeting. The email’s haven’t stopped. He’s due to fly out this afternoon. Dublin here he comes. Part of me just wants him to let it go. After all, as I've been told, I've got a month left. A month. And then I'm being let go.

I’m sitting outside the exec producer’s office chatting to her assistant – but he won’t chat. He’s wearing a headset. He’s busy. He’s getting ahead. He’s not standing for it. He’s going to make it in Hollywood…. So… I retreat to another desk and do some writing while I wait. It’s been two hours now. I’m going nowhere. Mr X comes out. He’s had enough. I’m to go walking with him. We go to his car where he has a cigarette. He’s not a happy bunny. He hands me his girlfriend’s birthday present.

Either way – as I suspected – he’s not had time to get her a card so I’m dispatched to CVS to buy some greeting cards. Thing is, part of me KNEW he wouldn't have time to get a card, this is stuff a great assistant (which I'm not yet, let's be honest here) would have anticipated. But I did anticipate this and I didn't do anything. Now that's not good. It's the little things that really make this job work and I did fuck up a bit there. Oh well. If I ever get a gig like this again, I'm on this... I really will be.

However, more mini dramas for me. I get to the studio car park and... horror of horrors, I've lost my parking ticket. It’s $30… and they don’t validate at the studio anymore. Or do they? I must cut quite a pathetic figure as the exec’s producer slips me some validation passes and even the two queens on the front desk are sympathetic.

I race to CVS. The choices of cards are AWFUL. What does one buy? The dilemma was this: I’m buying a card that Mr X has allegedly bought for his girlfriend. It’s a tough call. I pick the only three blank cards rather than the one with the dog on it which says something about smelling old. Which was funny. But highly inappropriate. I don’t think this is a time for humour. I race back in the rain and am back in the office at the studio with gifts for the two pretty boys at the front desk. Chocolate. Hershey’s kisses. Always a good idea to bring presents for gate keepers at any corporation. I think they were touched.

Anyway, I’m in the corner when the blackberry buzzes. Mr X’s hungry. He wants me to go and get food but I throw this one back at the other assistant. Surely his boss needs to eat too. They send an intern out. Yay! Result! Ideally I need a car parking pass. As this to-ing and fro-ing is getting expensive for the studio and they like to keep things cheap.

Meanwhile, I’m having a poke around the office. DVD box sets. Mmmmmm. I spot Mad Men. I’ve always wanted to watch that. I contemplate ‘borrowing it’ but that would be wrong. Instead I email the other assistant of the other exec producer and ask her if I can have a box set. Two minutes later it’s in my lap. Meanwhile… I’m still sitting outside the office. I’m having fun. I’m online. I’m on facebook. I’m busy. Doing my thing. I get out of the studio at 2pm. They’re all eating away and I thought I wouldn’t be there for lunch so… I realise I’m free to go.

I have Mr X duties. Collect the girlfriend’s necklace and the card and then off to the fedex office. I had posters to send to his father – of Mr X's old film – he promised to send 20 of them to his dad for a charity. It was a nightmare. I haven’t had the balls to say there were only 19. That was all they had. That was it. The poor assistant at CAA worked her arse off to get them as it was. I sent the girlfriend’s necklace next day delivery, while the posters should arrive there by Monday. Done. Dusted. Over. Or so I thought… that came back to bite me in the arse.

Anyway… the rain was bad on the way back to West Hollywood. So… it took me two hours to get to Trader Joe’s and buy some food. By the time I got back, it was 6pm. I was tired. I fell asleep on the sofa. With the dogs. When I woke up, Nico had gone, it was cold and I crawled into bed totally missing the party I’d been invited to at Bar Marmont. I wish I’d gone now. R was there. Nico was there. And a host of other people I know in LA. Damn. Oh well. I was far far too tired and the weather, to be honest, frightened me a bit. The rains coming down were thick and fast. I’d had enough. Bed called.

The one with the product that no longer exists...

I have to be in Zuma by 9am. Mr X needs something picked up. I’m on the road. All 88 miles of a round trip. I've included a picture I took while driving my hire car. Yep. That's the road going to Zuma. The PCH. I just love it. LOVE IT. The ocean all the way. I’m going to pick up something from Malibu. The trouble is this 'thing' doesn't exist anymore. The company's in liquidation... And that's what I find out as I arrive. My first thought? shit.

It’s very hard explaining to someone that certain things don’t exist anymore. So… I’m looking for a solution. That’s the key to being an assistant here. Sure. There’s a problem but find a solution. If they’re reasonable they’ll listen. If they’re not they’re a wanker so fuck ‘em. Mr X is reasonable. But… I still find the whole confrontation aspect scary.

Having to say ‘they don’t have what you want’ or ‘they can’t do what you want them to do’ is not easy. People don’t get it. But such is life. This is what happens here. Everyone’s on the greasy pole and they all have a sense of entitlement. Even me. But… I’m the bottom of the food chain. And that’s so hard to deal with. Still… I have a bit of power.

Mr X also wants a DS Lite for his daughter for Xmas. In a special pink colour. I’ve checked on line. They don’t exist. They were limited edition last year. Now what? I’ve googled. I’ve ebayed. I’ve phoned Japan. Stress. Will she be happy with another colour? I do hope so.

While driving from Malibu to Zuma I'm trying to sort out his phone. I've been on the phone for 40 cocking minutes. And… the upshot. I’m not authorised on his account. I ring up again and pretend to be Mr X. I put on an US accent. I try to be a man. It’s just humiliating. I pretend I'm a man with a cold - I'm shocking. The US accent, the man accent... it's gone horribly wrong for me.

Mr X's writing partner, Mr A, hears me walking around the house pretending to be Mr X. He’s ashamed on my behalf. He’s never heard anything so pathetic in all his years. And… obviously… they still won’t talk to me.

I track Mr X down in the bathroom to get the authorisation. I hate the beaurocracy here. I have the keys to his life. I know everything about him from SS number to passwords (which I’ve set up) but I can’t get phone information. A joke. A fucking joke. By 10.30am this is still going on and I’m ready to stab someone. Anyway… eventually I head back to West Hollywood. Furious. FURIOUS. But I can’t lose it because I’m doing a job for him and he needs his phone working. In the end it’s all about money and payments. There wasn’t even a fault on the line. Another day in Hollywood land. Another person's cock up rather than mine but... this isn't important right now.

Back on the homestead...

Someone’s coming over to Roof’s place to give it the onceover. Is it clean enough? His lease is up on December 31st. I’ve tried to keep it clean. I’ve fallen in love with the place. It feels like home. I feel sorry for his neighbour though. Andrea. When I told him Roof had gone he looked at me as if I’d put a knife through his heart. He wanted Roof’s email, which I refused to give, I said he could give me his. He went off in a huff and I never heard from him again.

Later that day, I head to the police station. I’ve filled in my ‘victims assistance claim’ and I want some answers. No one’s terribly helpful. I’m at the station asking for help. No one really wants to know. Don’t get shot in the Wilshire District. That’s my tip. I wait about half an hour and then, finally, someone comes out. They’re a bit sympathetic. Just a bit. I want to cry but I remember I’ve got to go to Roof’s place to wait for his running machine to turn up. It turns up but they won’t take it downstairs. It’s 480 pounds and they can’t deal with it. I tried cleavage. Nothing. I tried a cash bribe. Nothing. They just left. Shit. I promised Roof I’d take care of it but they just wouldn’t play ball. I feel awful. Damn. Now what? Maybe I am a crap assistant after all?

The one after I got shot...

I haven't moved into my new home yet... you know, the place where I got shot. The Palazzo. Now. The Palazzo. They're being awful. So so so unhelpful. I drove back there and no one even knew I'd been shot. The manager didn't know. The security didn't know. I went back there to find out what was going on. I have to say I was a bit shaky but... well... what to do eh? Just move on with your life.

Still no drugs. I don't know what to do. I have a bullet in my back still as I don't know if I can get it out with my insurance. Thing is. I'm not a bloody rapper. I don't need metal in me to be someone... I want it out. OUT I tell you. But I have no idea what to do.

Lisa in London came up with some nicknames for me in the meantime: Jew-Pac, 50 Shekel, Jam Master J-Date, Ol' Dirty Bagel. Hmmm. Again. I'm not a rapper. I don't need a bullet floating around in my back to make it in my crew. But, I appreciate the names and start calling myself Jew-Pac. It's sort of catching on.

I bumped into my 'friend', who was horrific. I think he thinks I've done this all for attention. yep. Like I went out in West Hollywood to just get shot. Sure. That's normal. Jesus. He told me I wasn't in 'the solution' and got really angry with me. I burst into tears. I'm in a lot of pain and have this thing in my back... Thing. You know. Bullet. One of them. Thankfully my friend's friend Lisa gave me her doctor's number. I went back to Judy's and called the Doctor who put me in touch with the surgeon. His name? A piece of genius this... Dr Moses... Fallas. Only I could get a Fallas as a doctor.

Then it's on the phone to the insurance company in England again to sort this all out and get it all approved. We arrange surgery, I get some vicodin and... I'm booked in for surgery the following day.

Vicodin. Incidentally. Shit. I thought it would be more fun. I want some more. Good thing I gave the packet to someone else to dispense really. But... seriously. I thought they would do more... Very disappointed.

SURGERY

This is my first general anaesthetic. I'm going to go under for two hours but first... the insurance isn't coming through. This is a disaster. I have to pay. It's thousands. I argue and argue and argue. Finally. They agree. My operation is in half an hour. Just as I'm getting changed and prepped... it's the blackberry.

Mr X.

Mr X is not happy.

"Noam... your work has been slipping this week. Why isn't my heater fixed in the pool? What's going on NOAM? This isn't good enough."

Yep. He's really not happy.

I try and explain. You know. I've been shot. IBS as it must be called from now on. But he's not interested. He's got his shit. "Where's the meeting tomorrow?" I don't know. I'm getting whoozy. "What's going on Noam?" I really don't know. I feel like passing out. I'm pretty sure he knew I was getting surgery today but he's convinced I was shot with a BB gun and think I'm being a pussy. Well, it wasn't with a BB gun and the police are investigating this for attempted murder... I'm a little freaked out.

He gets off the phone and I call someone else and cry. The doctors are trying to remove my blackberry from my hand but I won't let it go. I call Ms J, who works for Mr X's brother and Ms S, the housekeeper, and as them to have a quiet word... I'm just a bit under the weather at the moment. You know. I've been shot. IBS. IBS.

I call Christian, the pool guy, about the heater. Again. He says he'll deal with it. I'm grateful. And now... the doctor has removed my blackberry... they're trying to put me under now. I'm freaking out... But the blackberry... the blackberry...

I don't remember much more.

A few hours later

I'm coming round now. That was good. I just passed out.

I have more stitches now. And no bullet. The police took that for evidence and I have no idea where it's gone. I wanted that bullet. BUT.... nope. It's gone.

Judy comes to pick me up. I'm so whoozy. I don't really know what's going on. I check the blackberry. A missed call from Mr X.

I get given some vicodin a few hours later. That night was a bit of a blur.

The day after the day after I got shot

So... now I'm moving into the place I got shot outside. Good. Great. But... it's my own place for a month. Shame I can't use the gym or anything - what with the old seeping wound and that. Nice.

My friend Dawn meets up with me and takes me to get my nails done. Her treat. Nice. A bit of pampering. Sitting in the chair with the vibrate back thing was probably, in hindsight, a mistake... but ... no stitches burst and my nails look good.

Back home and Roof's round to take the last of his stuff. And... he's gone. I go to bed. I'm due at Mr X's to do some work in the morning. The blackberry's not really stopped. Course not. I mean. Really. Why would it? I've only been shot with a .22. Not a 'proper' gun but... for the record... it was scary. I didn't like it. And the bullet was still metal with a sharpened bit at the end. Hardly something to ignore. It wasn't some kind of pansy pellet. People have been a bit dismissive... they thought I was shot with a shot gun or something. No. Sorry to disappoint. And thank god!

The day after the day after the day after IBS...

I've been running around for Mr X. And... then I get to the Malibu County Market and I got accosted in the carpark by some wannabe. Brilliant.

Now this was ridiculous. I thought I’d burst my stitches while on the drive to Malibu. So… I stopped at the CVS on the PCH by Malibu and bought some plasters. I was taping up the wound and this guy went ‘you got it’. Was he a handsome stud? No. A middle-aged podgy man with a comb over. “Thanks” I replied. Mustering up some dignity despite having displayed my backfat to all and sundry there… He didn’t move away so I gave him my line of the year: “I’ve been shot”. And then told him the story… He was shocked.

He asked me what I was doing in LA. I told him about working for a director. Before you knew it he said: “oh? Really? I have some headshots in the car. Is there a project he’s working on that he’s casting right now.” Dude. Seriously? I just told you I got shot and now you’re pitching your sorry fat arse to me. Fuck. Off. I was stunned. Apparently that’s the way of LA. But. Really? You think you’re going to get a part in a film by talking to a girl in a car park? Fucking loser. I deflected him and got in my car and headed back to LA.

I went to the Grove... and decided to do some shopping. I thought that might cheer me up. I've been feeling a bit, well, down... You know. IBS and all. So I found this dream dress. I mean it's just perfect and I hate shopping. It was reduced from $250 to around $80. Whil I was paying for the dream dress this woman appeared out of no where.

“Do you remember me?” Hard to know really. I meet a lot of people. Turns out she was the nurse that put me under a few days ago at the surgery. Perfect. I showed her my stitches… Poor thing. There she was buying a dress for a party and there was me exposing my back fat. Seems the stitches are healing nicely. Always good to know. Even though they are UGLY...

Back at the ranch, Ms J came round and we came up with a film idea. Good. Finally. Something creative for me to sink my teeth into rather than all the food I've been eating recently. Seriously, giving up smoking as led to a HUGE appetite.

After Ms J left, it was a case of some skyping with Tash in London and then bed. I'm still oozing a bit and can't have a bath yet... Nice.